One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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