I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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