I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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