Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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