Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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