I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
