I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
