if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
