i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
