So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
