You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
