That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
