but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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