On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Randomize
