Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
