my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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