And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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