I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
