is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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