I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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