I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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