I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
