8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
