What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
