"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
