So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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