God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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