You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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