Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
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