i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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