Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
