you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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