I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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