I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
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Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
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You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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