there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
