I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
