i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
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