Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
