Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
