My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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