I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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