Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
