I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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