Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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