Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i think i have herpe
just one?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
