and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
