he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
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I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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