I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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