You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
It's rum buckets o'clock
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
