I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
