she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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