you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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