man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
