You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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