The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
