I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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