It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
