this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
