I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
